jokes that would be in "airplane!" if it were made today 

pilot: please put all of your electronic devices into airplane mode.
*ted puts his phone into airplane mode; it sprouts wings and flies away*

rex: damn it, how did the media find out?
*cut to a reddit post in r/advice by elaine, titled "omg im in a plane & both pilots are unconscious plz help"*

mccroskey: looks like i picked the wrong week to stop vaping. . . . to stop shitposting. . . . to stop looking at cat memes

jokes that would be in "airplane!" if it were made today 

ted: i can't fly this plane!
elaine: just check wikihow, it can't be that hard.

ted: it was a rough place - the seediest site on the internet. populated with every incel and troll from reddit to youtube. it's worse than twitter.

ted: i'd like to buy a ticket to chicago, for today.
airline employee: today?? okay, that'll be $27,000.
ted: what???
employee: *rechecks* oh, actually, this plane is nowhere near full, so... that'll be $17.50.

jokes that would be in "airplane!" if it were made today 

guy in ted's taxi: *gets out and calls an uber as soon as ted leaves; it arrives immediately*

elaine: sir, you're a pilot??
passenger: no, but i DID stay at a holiday inn express last night!

donald trump: one day, like a miracle, the plane will just land. it'll just land. it will. believe me.

radio DJ: welcome to KNML, where nu metal lives forever! *the plane shears the broadcast antenna off the building*

jokes that would be in "airplane!" if it were made today 

mccroskey: *looking at a tablet computer with confusion* johnny, what can you make of this? *hands him the tablet*
johnny: *looks at the tablet* well, if i were apple, i could make about 90% profit on every sale!

ted: it's a good thing he doesn't know how much i hate his guts.
elaine: *whispering* oh, ted, i just put him on speakerphone.

rex: *on the phone* he's a menace to everything else in the air. ... yes, military drones too.

jokes that would be in "airplane!" if it were made today 

ted: i'm trying to find some help online, but i barely have a signal!
elaine: damn AT&T! haven't they killed enough people yet?

passenger, as the plane goes down: this is marginally worse than flying spirit airlines!

passenger: excuse me, flight attendant, i speak meme!

*a shot of TSA officers letting various dangerous weapons through, but confiscating every fully-size bottle of water and toothpaste tube*


jokes that would be in "airplane!" if it were made today 

ted: that's lieutenant dershowitz. shell shock. thinks he's celine dion.
dershowitz [actually played by celine dion], while orderlies try to restrain him: NEAAAAAAARRR, FARRRRRR, WHEREVERRRRRRR YOU ARRRRRRRE
ted: war is hell.

ted: kramer, do we have to talk on the radio? couldn't this just be an email?

rex: striker, are you listening to me?
ted [while finishing texting someone]: oh, uh, yeah, kramer, totally.

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jokes that would be in "airplane!" if it were made today 

elaine: is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
college-aged passenger: i mean, i'm pretty good at microsoft flight simulator.

ted: that, more than anything else, led to my problems with smoking marijuana. *ted pulls a joint into frame, moves it towards his mouth, then accidentally flings it over his shoulder*

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