John Garrison @john@fedi.garrison.beer

how the west was yeeted

guy in ted's taxi: *gets out and calls an uber as soon as ted leaves; it arrives immediately*

elaine: sir, you're a pilot??
passenger: no, but i DID stay at a holiday inn express last night!

donald trump: one day, like a miracle, the plane will just land. it'll just land. it will. believe me.

radio DJ: welcome to KNML, where nu metal lives forever! *the plane shears the broadcast antenna off the building*

apparently AT&T knows to the exact minute when they're probably gonna fix my internet outage

ted: i can't fly this plane!
elaine: just check wikihow, it can't be that hard.

ted: it was a rough place - the seediest site on the internet. populated with every incel and troll from reddit to youtube. it's worse than twitter.

ted: i'd like to buy a ticket to chicago, for today.
airline employee: today?? okay, that'll be $27,000.
ted: what???
employee: *rechecks* oh, actually, this plane is nowhere near full, so... that'll be $17.50.

elaine: would you like something to read?
woman: do you have anything light?
elaine: how about this leaflet, "affordable apple products"?

mccroskey: get me someone who won't crack under pressure.
johnny: how about greta thunberg?

Sean Hannity: They bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into. I say, let 'em crash.

elaine: doctor, what's wrong with him?
dr. rumack: food poisoning.
elaine: oh, well, web md says it's cancer.

pilot: please put all of your electronic devices into airplane mode.
*ted puts his phone into airplane mode; it sprouts wings and flies away*

rex: damn it, how did the media find out?
*cut to a reddit post in r/advice by elaine, titled "omg im in a plane & both pilots are unconscious plz help"*

mccroskey: looks like i picked the wrong week to stop vaping. . . . to stop shitposting. . . . to stop looking at cat memes

is elon musk just having a laugh?

musk: i like dogecoin

*dogecoin value rockets up*

musk: also, i like bitcoin

*bitcoin value rockets up*

musk: i think bitcoin is overvalued

*bitcoin value dives*

forgot the word for "serrated" so called it a "toothy knife"

i should go back to bed

swimming pool, except it's playing billiards in the water

a commercial, in my dream: you've heard of the no-fog mirror? well, how about a NO-FROG mirror?! have you ever wanted to pretend your frog is a vampire? now you---

me, waking up: this is a very silly dream, and i'm not going to have it.

Here's how cold it was in our home. Despite only having electricity for four hours out of forty between Monday and Tuesday, the ice in our freezer was still usable after just a little breaking up.

"the lift water restriction has been boiled."

"Name four famous people you've met or been within a few feet of, with one being a lie. Guess the lie."

Headline: Kanye West Accepting Reality of Divorce with Kim

Me: Wow... I wonder when the last time was that Kanye West accepted reality.

"*I* may know that, and *you* may know that, but *I* don't know that!"

Sit down, my sons, and soon you'll know
Of when our great city got buried in snow
It had been quite a bit since we'd had such a cold one
This is the story of the Texas Winter Blackouts of '21

It was extremely cold that day, you see
Cold such as never seen before by you, or by me
We bundled up in blankets, we turned up the gas
All we had to do was what we do best: outlast

if you play double dragon and only use the throwing attacks, it's a yeet-em-up

AT&T&A